Archive for the 'people' Category

contra-conditional

currently spinning: came to the rescue — hillsong united (acoustic)

there are days when it feels like there’s an epic battle discerning how to act and love and support my fellowship.

i’ve always considered taking an year off from school to go on staff somewhere. intervarsity at it’s best is an organization that i believe can be engaging college students to be concerned with the kingdom of god in a tangible & ideological way. yet, when i think that it’s my school that no staff desire to come to,… that it’s my school that has the need,… i shudder at the idea of having to stay here another year.

i realize that for those in chicago, never once did i seriously consider leaving or abandoning the people, the church, the leadership, because of roadblocks or bumps. i realize that even on swavt, despite all of the messiness and brokenness our team had, never once did i want to put into action feelings of dissatisfaction and disgruntled-ness. or through messy relationships & a more than exuberant youth group,…  somehow, God was gracious enough  to show me beyond the mess into something beautiful.
when will i learn what it means to love despite unloving people? when will i see that love is not even unconditional, but conditional on the fact that those i (struggle to) serve have also been recipients of blood spilled by the lamb?

sigh. i keep thinking back to a brother’s story of a conference he went to,… of how when there was conflict, the worship team leader once stopped in mid-song and confessed he couldn’t keep worshipping when he knew the body of christ had been broken as such.

i look at my school and,… am, remain, very doubtful that something like that could ever happen.

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it doesn’t mean anything… does it?

More than a few months ago (maybe even a year ago), I made a post on a blog (similar to this one) about how Ohana means family, and family means noone gets left behind. I made a comparison to how the church is Family, (or… supposed to be Family).

Then a friend, through an IM, after reading my blog, made a comment to me: After reading your blog about how Ohana means family…  I couldn’t help but feel angry and bitter because i know that in any church, that means absolute bull.

At the time, I thought my friend was just suffering from some sort of resentment towards particular people within that church, or a few broken relationships. But you know… the older I get, the more small groups and fellowships and meetings I do to, see how that’s true. sometimes, the concept of family is just… nonexistent in church today.

how sad…

Once

Last night after informal praise, some of the girlys and I managed to catch this independent film at our local theatre. I actually enjoyed it — but it’s one of those, you’re not quite sure how to feel right after you leave the movie.

When the finishing credits came on, I literally said — ‘wait, that’s the ending?’ because in a way, it was so dissatisfying. The premise of the movie is about an unnamed boy who plays guitar on the street on the side, and works in his dad’s vacuum cleaner repair shop during the day. He bumps into this unnamed girl who works odd jobs during the day, but is an immigrant from the Czech Republic and loves to play the piano. In a somewhat magical and surreal setting, the two of them start to reveal their pasts to one another — the guy with an ex in London, and the girl’s husband who’s still abroad — through music & song.

All cheesiness aside though, what I expected to be a sappy chick musical/flick turned out to be a little combination of an indie, European version of Garden State (minus the hamsters, plus some guitars).

But I’m still left with the feeling of,… why didn’t the girl stay with the spunky guitar playing, somewhat of an emotional wreakage of a guy? hmmm…

//my favorite line from the movie:

girl: so you do this (playing guitar on the street) for a living, yeah?
guy: no, i actually work in a hoover repair shop..
girl: what a coincidence, eh! i have a broken hoover at home! i’ll bring it to you tomorrow, yeah?

News from this Ivy League & Beyond

Most days, I don’t remember/realize that I attend an Ivy League school. Today, however, it seemed excruciatingly clear the type of influence and power the children attending school here have/will have.

Why today? A friend of mine recently published an opinion piece in our local school newspaper that basically preached the gospel. Within hours, all of our Christian list-serves were flooded with, “Check out pg. 9 of the Daily Sun!”

What’s funnier/more interesting? are the comments on the online publication –> http://cornellsun.com/node/26351.

In other news, a teacher from Sudan was recently arrested for “defacing” the name of the Prophet Muhammad. Immediately thoughts of my near eastern class are flooding through my mind and the conflicts within Islam.

Anyway… back to my paper on radical fundamentalist Islam.

sunday mornings

I went to church on Sunday and all I get is a stupid bulletin,
(but that’s not actually true,)

aka, you’re not dead, you just forgot you’re alive.

//

these past few weeks have been wrestling, actually feeling like i’m wrestling with God in prayer to surrender, look at the bigger picture, and move on.

…. but why is that so.. hard?

the last five years, i have been a slave serving. would You love me the same if i stopped?

flashback

… and all of a sudden, I’m 16 and out of breath and hope and my mittens are dripping next to my sides, and i’m staring at your somewhat tear-stained face, wondering why you felt it necessary to not invite me to the emergency servant team meeting.

.. as i get older, i am more and more convinced that the same, petty high school drama that always existed never really goes away. i guess that’s just,… sin.

judgement

This is the one word that takes prey on female friendships and circles.

“I feel like you judge the things I say and do.”
“This group is so judgmental.. I can’t be myself around them.”
“… and if I do this, they’re just going to judge me for it.”

I confess to hearing many of these things, and saying them myself. But,… what does it really mean? Granted, the blame is never just on one party… but when you bring out that one phrase — you judged me — all excuses go out the window. It’s that one slightly ambiguous but morally threatening sin that we can bring up concerning other people that you can’t really put your finger on — you merely feel like you were being judged.

Two points to make:

Ultimate judgment comes from the Father. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. — 1 Cor 4:5. Ultimate judgment comes from our Heavenly Father who will judge all of us when the time comes, and will make His justice prevail. We do things not for the approval of others, but for the greater Judge.

And,… honestly, number two is, most times when we feel judged, it means that we’re hiding something. I can personally attest to that. So maybe the next time we feel judged, look at your own motives. Are they pure? Are they righteous? Or are we merely pushing our own sins and shortcomings on someone else pointing them out?

To close:

But they will have to give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. — 1 Peter 4:5.

Do we waste time judging and point fingers, or helping one another grow and mature and serve? …You be the judge.